21 February, 2013
Oh, you know, just that DEPRESSION asshole again.
My depression medication trial ended yesterday. I didn't know it was over. But it explains why my depression and anxiety had been on a drastic incline - they were weaning me off of the medication. They asked me if I needed a prescription for a new medication and without hesitating, I told them yes.
This trial medication had been a saint. I've tried multiple pills and nothing has worked as well as it did. The side effects were so minimal and barely noticeable, and I was happy. Like, legitimately happy. Husband and I never fought, I never cried, I still wanted to have sex (a very well known side effect of A LOT of depression meds is a non-existent sex drive, which sucks), I wasn't anxious all the time... it's been a miracle worker in my life. And now? Now I have to wait between 1 and 8 years for it to hit the market.
They gave me a prescription for Cymbalta which I've never tried. The next few weeks may either be really good or really bad. If I stop posting, you know which.
I'm scared it won't work.
I'm scared of myself.
The last couple of weeks have been ugly. Anxiety causing anger causing fighting causing pain causing thoughts of dying, and it's my fault, and I know that, which makes it worse. It's a compounding issue that won't back off. I've given up on living the last couple of weeks. No thoughts of suicide, just not caring to live through the day. Daydreaming about getting hit by a train. That scares me. But no matter how hard I try to keep myself afloat, the depression is dragging me down.
So I start a new medication today. And cross my fingers it works. Because if it doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. I'm doing everything I can to boost myself - I'm making time for myself and doing things I love and working out, but nothing is helping.
People that say depression is made up or depression pills don't do anything? I hope one day they experience depression. Because it's easy to look at a situation from the outside and say it's all in someone's head. But trust me - if I had a surefire way to make this go away without taking a pill every day, I would make damn sure I did it. This is no way to live. It hurts with no reason. And it won't go away, no matter how hard I beg it to.
Just in case anyone out there needs it... 1-800-273-8255 (the National Suicide Prevention lifeline)