21 February, 2013

Oh, you know, just that DEPRESSION asshole again.


My depression medication trial ended yesterday. I didn't know it was over. But it explains why my depression and anxiety had been on a drastic incline - they were weaning me off of the medication. They asked me if I needed a prescription for a new medication and without hesitating, I told them yes.

This trial medication had been a saint. I've tried multiple pills and nothing has worked as well as it did. The side effects were so minimal and barely noticeable, and I was happy. Like, legitimately happy. Husband and I never fought, I never cried, I still wanted to have sex (a very well known side effect of A LOT of depression meds is a non-existent sex drive, which sucks), I wasn't anxious all the time... it's been a miracle worker in my life. And now? Now I have to wait between 1 and 8 years for it to hit the market.

They gave me a prescription for Cymbalta which I've never tried. The next few weeks may either be really good or really bad. If I stop posting, you know which.

I'm scared it won't work.

I'm scared of myself.

The last couple of weeks have been ugly. Anxiety causing anger causing fighting causing pain causing thoughts of dying, and it's my fault, and I know that, which makes it worse. It's a compounding issue that won't back off. I've given up on living the last couple of weeks. No thoughts of suicide, just not caring to live through the day. Daydreaming about getting hit by a train. That scares me. But no matter how hard I try to keep myself afloat, the depression is dragging me down.

So I start a new medication today. And cross my fingers it works. Because if it doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. I'm doing everything I can to boost myself - I'm making time for myself and doing things I love and working out, but nothing is helping.

People that say depression is made up or depression pills don't do anything? I hope one day they experience depression. Because it's easy to look at a situation from the outside and say it's all in someone's head. But trust me - if I had a surefire way to make this go away without taking a pill every day, I would make damn sure I did it. This is no way to live. It hurts with no reason. And it won't go away, no matter how hard I beg it to.

Just in case anyone out there needs it... 1-800-273-8255 (the National Suicide Prevention lifeline)

9 comments:

  1. I love the depression med roller coaster! I always go off of them to have babies, and then I come back crawling on hands and knees when I'm done nursing... This last time though, because my metabolism is so different from my younger years, the pills that worked for a decade didn't do the same thing, so they put me on something new. I had to go off of it to get pregnant again, and the withdrawal was HORRIBLE! Made it not worth being on in the first place. I feel for you, maybe in Jr. High one of us was contagious! Good luck finding the right one until the new one comes out!!

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  2. I am good at taking pills for awhile and then I tell myself I'm happy on my own so I stop taking them, then I hit rock bottom and start them again. I'm really bad at that. They said the withdrawal from Cymbalta can be harsh, so I hope I don't have to stop taking it ever. :\ I think depression just attracts depression. Misery loves company.

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  3. I am sorry Kendahl. I am thinking about you, I know what this is like. I was one of those people that had no idea what depression was like...and then BAM, I GOT A DOSE. It is hard stuff to deal with.

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  4. I hate hate hate when people say depression is all made up, or when someone says "get over it" to someone who is feeling low and barely hanging on to life because they CAN'T HELP IT.

    What a kick in the face that the trial ran out. I am so sorry that you're going through this and hope to god that Cymbalta is a good fit for you. I know it doesn't help, but please know that you have a friend in Pittsburgh who is pulling for you and is hoping you don't give up!! I'm so worried about you! Anytime you need me, I'm here: 412-638-2379. xoxox

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    1. It does help Erin, thank you! I'm emailing you...

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  5. Hang in there :( I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Cymbalta will work for you.

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    1. Thank you Marilyn! I'm crossing my fingers, too.

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  6. Hugs my friend, so sorry your going through this :( by the way I sent you a little something to cheer you up today..before I saw this post. I saw it and thought you would enjoy it! Thinking of you!

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